Chapter 6

Click here to read Disclaimer and Warning.

Chapter 6: Regret

After Jasper left I couldn't stay in the bedroom, so I collapsed on the living room sofa and eventually fell asleep. There were no more tears. I must have used them all up before. Instead, I was left with a feeling of extreme emptiness and lack of worth. I'd so carelessly thrown away a man who loved me and made me happy, all for a single afternoon fuck. No matter how it may have felt at the time, it hadn't been worth it. But I deserved everything that happened afterwards, and I had no one to blame but myself.

I spent the rest of the Saturday and all of Sunday on the sofa, except for a few bathroom breaks and trips to the kitchen when hunger became too difficult to ignore. Following my mom's advice, I made a pot of tea to feel better. When I'd drained that without obtaining the desired results, I switched to gin, then vodka, then whatever was left in the various bottles in the house. Waking up Monday with a throbbing headache and a violent need to hug the toilet without the ability to make it there fast enough did not inspire me to get ready for work, so I called in sick instead. My head felt as though someone was pounding rail spikes through it and light stabbed my eyes. The stench in the living room would have been enough to make me throw up again, but the dry heaves indicated I really had not quite eaten enough over the weekend, which was just as well. As further punishment, I forced myself to clean up the mess, then take a lukewarm shower before drying off and collapsing naked on the bed. I slept off and on all day, waking up from various nightmares only to drift off again. I ignored the phone by jamming a pillow over my head when it began to ring incessantly. Whoever it was and whatever they wanted would just have to wait until I managed to recover.

Sometime later I woke, feeling a warm hand resting on my back. I tensed, then threw the pillow off my head and turned to look at the hand's owner.

"Bloody hell, Rick. You're a fucking mess. What the fuck have you done to yourself?"

"Go away, Greg," I groaned. "You shouldn't be here."

"You're probably right," he admitted, "because you acted like a complete shit to one of my good friends, and from everything I've heard you don't deserve any pity."

"Don't want your pity," I mumbled.

"Yeah, well, guess what? You're my best mate and have been forever and if I want to pity you I damn well will, with or without your permission. Now, are you really sick or were you just too pissed to go to work?"

"Both," I said, "but I don't need a minder. I'll get better eventually. I always fucking do, don't I?"

"Yeah, you do," he acknowledged. Silence descended on us like a heavy cloak. It felt stifling, oppressive. As uncomfortable as I was beginning to feel, going back to sleep was impossible. I shifted nervously, changing my position, suddenly self-conscious, wondering what he was thinking. Losing Jasper was terrible, but it was a just punishment for my crime. I never considered, however, that my decision might cost me all my mates as well. Greg had come, but if I pushed him away now would he ever return or allow me back in his life?

"You know, I really would have thought doing stupid shit that gets you to a point this low would have gotten old for you by now," his voice, though quiet, startled me. "And I would have thought you'd realized long ago that any interaction you have with H. eventually gets you to this point. I failed to consider that maybe you enjoy this. Maybe you're just a glutton for punishment who can't stand to be happy. And if that's the case, I guess I won't interfere with your wallowing," he lifted his hand off my back and I felt him rise off the bed. I panicked. Losing my group of friends would hurt, but of all of them, he was the only one who really mattered. Greg had been there for me through thick and thin, and while I never acknowledged as much to him, he was absolutely vital to me. Now he was leaving, and as disgusted as he sounded with me, I feared it might be for good.

"Greg, don't go," I pleaded, turning my head to look at him. "Please stay. I do need to talk. I do need a friend," I watched his face as he considered my request and I could tell he was struggling. "Please?" I added, and this seemed to tip the scales. He gave a resigned sigh and straightened to his full height.

"All right, but let's do this right. I'll brew up some coffee while you get dressed and we can talk out there," he tilted his head towards the living room. "Think you can handle that?"

I gave him a nod and watched as he left the bedroom before I stood up and retrieved a fresh shirt and jeans out of my chest of drawers, scrupulously avoiding the drawers that had been Jasper's, and would now be empty. I stopped in the bathroom to relieve myself and grab pills for the headache before heading into the living room. I didn't see Greg, but my nose told me he was in the kitchen, cooking. My stomach grumbled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten in over a day. I followed the delicious scent and found Greg frying up eggs and bacon.

"I know it's not morning, but I figured you'd be hungry, and this was the easiest thing to make. Hope you don't mind," he said.

"Hell no, it smells great. And I'm starving. What can I do?"

"Get yourself a plate and a couple of mugs for our coffee, yeah? Everything is just about ready. I put some toast in for you and I have tomatoes warming," he pointed to the covered saucepan on the stove and gave me a small smile. I felt myself choking up. I didn't deserve a best mate as good as him and told him so as I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his left shoulder.

"All right, now. Don't be melodramatic," he said with a chuckle as he lifted his left hand up and back to pat my head. "You'd do the same for me."

I wished I could definitively say that was true, but it really hadn't been the case in the past. Of course, before he met Viktor I was the one who caused the most man trouble for Greg, so he couldn't exactly come to me with his problems. I supposed I would do better now. Still, of the two of us, he was by far the more selfless one. I realized I would have to do something to show him just how much his friendship meant to me.

I released him and took the dishes out of the cabinet, filing the mugs with hot coffee and doctoring it up the way we both liked. When it was ready, I retrieved the toasted bread from the toaster and passed the plate to Greg, who filled it with the eggs, bacon and tomatoes. He reached into a drawer to grab utensils and carried the food out to the bistro table in the living room, while I followed with the coffee.

"Eat first," he said, setting the plate in front of me. "Then we'll talk."

I was much too hungry to protest. Silently I tucked in and, like a talented magician, made the food disappear in almost an instant.

"Thanks, Greg," I said gratefully when I finished. "That was brilliant."

He nodded and sipped his coffee, watching me carefully. I took a large gulp of the hot beverage and swallowed, perversely satisfied with the way the liquid burned my throat, feeling like it was the least I deserved after the pain I caused Jasper.

"A scalded throat isn't going to make anything better," Greg observed insightfully. "Hurting yourself now won't change anything."

I nodded and took a smaller sip, which I allowed to cool in my mouth before swallowing. Silence fell around us for a moment, before I finally broke it.

"How's Jasper?" I probably didn't have the right to ask, but I needed to know.

"Surprisingly all right, given what's happened. He's moody, mostly. Sometimes he's angry, sometimes sad, sometimes he's all sorts of Zen and peaceful, accepting..."

"Sometimes he's happy?" I interrupted with a question, not wanting to hear the statement from his mouth. Greg looked at me sharply.

"No, I haven't seen that," he shook his head as he spoke, "and I don't think I will anytime soon. He loved you, Rick. That kind of emotion doesn't go away just because the other guy fucks you over."

"You think I, of all people, don't know that?" I asked bitterly. He looked away.

"I know you know it. What I can't figure out is why you'd do to someone else what has been done to you, knowing damn well how it feels."

I set my mug down on the table and buried my head in my hands. If only I had a good answer to his question.

"I don't know how it happened, Greg. I wanted to resist him, but it was impossible. It's like we're two magnets. If we get too close, it becomes impossible not to connect."

"That's bullshit, mate," he said scornfully.

"Is it?" I lashed out. "Why did you keep hanging around me after everything that happened with H. when we were younger? Why couldn't you let me go?"

He narrowed his eyes, then took a deep breath. "Because there wasn't anyone better around, and I was too fucking scared to be alone. But as soon as I found Viktor, I did let you go. You're still my mate, and I love you, but those old feelings are long gone. Viktor's my world now. And Jasper should have been yours."

I hung my head, knowing he was right.

"I don't get it," Greg said quietly. "I've tried, but I can't. He left you, he got married, I was there and I saw what that did to you. It was the most gut-wrenching thing I'd ever seen. I know I'll never forget it. How could you?"

I shook my head. How could I offer an explanation for something that was even beyond my comprehension.

"You were happy with Jasper, Rick. You were in love. And he was in love with you too. Christ, he was going to move here for you; leave everyone he knew behind, for you! You had this great thing going and you made it all go to cock. I don't get it," he repeated.

"I thought I was over H.," I said bitterly. "He called and said he wanted to apologize and I thought I could just go to hear him out, get closure, and that would be the end of it. I never imagined anything like what happened. I never would have thought him capable of cheating on Ginny."

Greg laughed a mirthless laugh and narrowed his eyes. "That's right, we can now add cheating to his repertoire of destruction. Although he cheated on you with her, didn't he? When he first started seeing her and told you nothing until he was already engaged? The bastard. I feel sorry for her. I bet she hasn't a clue what kind of a man she married."

"She's a money grubbing, social climbing bitch," I spat out, recalling H.'s complaints.

"Really?" Greg raised his eyebrow as he spoke. "I suppose he told you that, and you believed him? Because he'd been so honest with you in the past? Because he'd never lie to manipulate you and get his way?"

I didn't bother to defend H., because Greg was right. H. had been dishonest and manipulative. I didn't want to think about it too much, but I wouldn't have found it hard to believe that he set the whole hotel scene up too - that there never were any colleagues in the bar, because he never had any intentions of meeting in the bar at all. But then he didn't put a gun to my head or force me to stay. If he was a shit, I was one too. A perfect match. Did I really care if he was lying about Ginny? Would it make a difference if she was a complete innocent - the perfect wife and victim in all this? Thinking of her as a social climbing Harpy made what I did slightly more palatable, but only just.

"You're right," I finally admitted. "I don't know if what H. told me about Ginny is accurate or not, and what we did was wrong regardless of her personality. I had no idea I could be this much of an arsehole. Honestly, I never meant to hurt Jasper. I'd do anything to take it all back. I'd do anything to get him to forgive me. Could you talk to him for me, Greg? We didn't really have a chance to talk Saturday morning. I mean, he came home and basically told me he was moving out. He'd made the decision. There was nothing I could do or say. I think he was too hasty. I think it was just the pain talking, and maybe now that he'd had a little distance and time to cool off..."

Greg shook his head. "I'm sorry, mate, but Jasper's a friend too and it's his choice. I can't take sides. I'm already out on a limb just being here. Viktor's not exactly happy with me right now. I never told you, but the guy he was with just before me cheated on him, numerous times. Viktor broke it off as soon as he found out, and then took the job with Arsenal to get away from his ex. So obviously he sympathizes with Jasper in this situation, especially since he also saw what H. did to you at the wedding and was there to help you get through that. He sees what you did not just as a crappy thing to do to Jasper and Ginny, but also as an insult to our friendship."

"And you? How do you feel?"

"I'm here, aren't I? I'll tell you the same thing I told Viktor. Obviously what you did was wrong, and I hate that you hurt a mutual friend in the process, but I'd be a lousy man if I was never able to see past my friends' mistakes. I know better than anyone how irrational you are when it comes to H. The way I see it, it's when you stumble that I need to be here for you the most."

I snickered a little and he bristled. "What?" he growled.

"Nothing," I was serious again and reached to grasp his hand, suddenly fearful that I may have alienated the best and possibly last friend I had. He arched his eyebrow in a way that made it impossible for me not to reveal my thoughts. "All right," I gave in. "What you said reminded me of that footprints thing. You know, that thing where a guy walks on the beach with God and during the hard times there's only one set of footprints because that's when God carried him?"

Greg looked at me incredulously, then burst out laughing. It was my turn to ask "What?" In response, he hummed the opening riff from a Depeche Mode song. I groaned.

"So I'm your own personal Jesus, huh?" he asked eventually, still laughing.

"If the bare feet fit," I said with a shrug. Slowly Greg became serious again.

"So now what, Rick? Have you given that any thought?"

I shook my head. "Guess I just try to go on, do the best I can, same as I've always done. I'm sure I won't see H. again anytime soon. Do Vince and Dré know?" Greg nodded in response. "And what did they have to say?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Surprisingly little," Greg admitted. "I suppose it wasn't a surprise that Vince didn't say anything, but Dré keeping quiet was unexpected. We met up with them Saturday night. Jasper stayed home with Lena, but insisted that we go without him. We figured he needed time alone, so we met Dré and Vince at Molly's. I fully expected Dré to be his usual sarcastic self, but all he said was that H. was a fucking lying coward and that it would serve him right if we outed him."

"Greg, he wouldn’t, would he?" I asked, alarmed.

"No. You know Dré. He likes to hear himself talk, but he would never do that to another bloke, even H. It's almost funny to see how much his opinion of H. has changed over the years. In the beginning they were rivals, remember? And then they became friends, and Dré even defended H. for a while," Greg shook his head. "I never understood that. And then later still he slowly started to change his mind again and now seems to be back in full on hatred mode."

"Brilliant," I said darkly. Dré could be a right miserable bastard when he hated someone. "He'll be a joy to be around."

"Yeah," Greg grimaced. "And you may have to handle him yourself. Well, you and Vince. Jasper told us that he doesn't want to interfere with our friendship, but he also doesn't want to see you. Viktor was beside himself at the suggestion that we go out with you instead of him. So for a while, at least until Jasper returns to America, you probably won't be seeing much of us."

"Viktor is really angry with me, huh?"

"He feels people who cheat on their partners cannot be trusted, and he doesn't want to be around people he can't trust."

I winced. I definitely understood where Viktor was coming from. But was one lie that was immediately confessed enough to mark me a liar for life?

"Doesn't the fact that I told Jasper immediately count for anything?'' I asked Greg. "I mean, I know I fucked up. I know confessing can't take that away, but fuck, it's not like I murdered anyone. And Jasper got his own back immediately, didn't he? I mean, Jesus, one fucking mistake, one moment of weakness..."

"Viktor will come around. I'll work on him. It's just hard for him now, especially when he knows our history and I'm insisting on staying friends with you. He's worried about what kind of influence you'll be. He's worried about what you might try."

I sat back in my chair in shock.

"He thinks I'd try to get you to sleep with me? To cheat on him? Is he crazy? First of all, I respect you way too much to ever try that, to put you in that position. And second, do I look like I have a fucking death wish? I know damn well if I ever got anywhere near you like that he'd feed me my cock and balls for dinner. Not to mention what Jasper would do."

"Jasper?" Greg, who started to smile when I talked about Viktor, became puzzled.

"Yeah. You don't know, but Jasper can be quite intimidating when he wants to. Remember when we met up with him in New York? You and Viktor had just started dating and I'd broken up with H. again. I may have mentioned something to Jasper about regretting not seeing you that summer, when H. and I were apart, and wondering if I should see if there was still something between us. He told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever did anything to come between you and Viktor he would make sure I suffered. And you know what? He was deadly serious and I totally believed him. He was damn hot too, with that icy, threatening demeanor. And he was right about you and Viktor. But his threat aside, you have to know I would never do anything to mess up what you have with Viktor. In fact, if staying friends with me is too much of a strain, I'd rather lose you than be a point of contention between you."

Greg smiled. "You don't have to worry about me and Vik. If I ever had to make a choice, I would choose him. But this is not that time. Viktor is a little shook up, but deep down he knows he can trust me. Just like I have to trust him. And that's not always easy, especially when he's away with the team. Fans throw themselves at him and the other players all the time. He has to refuse a lot of temptation."

"It's not like you don't have temptations while he's gone," I pointed out. "All those guests that come on the show. I mean, that's how you met him, right?"

Greg chuckled. "You sounded just like Vik just now. He teases me like that, but he knows how hard he had to try to even get me to go to dinner with him, never mind sleeping with him. I'm not the philandering type."

"Neither is he," I pointed out. "I've never seen anyone more devoted to their partner, except maybe Vince to Dré. For Viktor the sun rises and sets with you, you know that."

He gave a small smile, acknowledging the truth of my statement.

"It's the same for both of us with each other. We're very lucky."

"Yeah, mate, that you are. And I'm glad you found each other. You deserve a man like Viktor."

Greg did deserve someone who would love him the way Viktor did, not someone who would see him at best as a consolation prize, the way I always would if we'd gotten back together. Form the moment we met H. had always been the one for me, and maybe my willingness to ignore all his faults meant that I deserved what I got as well?

"You deserve a good man too," Greg said as though he read my mind. "Don't let H. or anyone else, including yourself, tell you different."

I looked down at the table without comment. I feared his advice came much too late. Whether I liked it or not, H. had my heart. Apparently him marrying a woman and me finding a wonderful loving man weren't quite enough to extract it from his hold.

"Fuck, Rick, I wish I knew how to break this hold he has on you. It's like he's some sort of a wizard who put a spell on you or something."

I chortled at that a little. "A wizard, Greg? That's so ridiculous, I can't believe you'd actually said it out loud. And what would that make me? Sleeping Beauty? Rapunzel?"

He laughed with me. "Yeah, all right, it does sound ridiculous. Still, Rick, it makes no sense that you keep going back to him time and time again. It never made any sense. There is no shortage of great, good looking guys who would be thrilled to be with you. Hell, you had one living with you under your roof."

"But he didn't really love me, did he?" I challenged. "He said so himself. If he had, he wouldn't have been able to spend Friday night fucking some stranger he'd just met at a pub."

Greg frowned. "That surprised me," he admitted. "Viktor too. But Rick, he was probably devastated. I can only imagine if I found out Vik had gone back to have sex with his ex. I wouldn't have my head on right either. No telling what I might do. It's a big blow to find out a man who tells you he loves you decided to fuck someone from his past. Maybe he just needed to feel wanted. He didn't really want to talk about it with us, other than to say that he didn't do it to hurt you or to get revenge."

I squeezed my eyes shut. Greg wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but hearing that Jasper might have slept with another man because he needed to feel wanted was another punch in the gut. I thought back to how Jasper told me about the other guy. At the time his matter of fact description of what happened felt like he wanted to hurt me, but now I knew there were far more effective ways for him to make me feel like a total shit. He'd opted for a way that put most of the responsibility on him, not at my feet, where it belonged. After all, it didn't matter if he was seeking revenge or comfort, he wouldn't have been in that pub if I hadn't betrayed him first.

"Rick, was it because Jasper's a bottom?"

I opened my eyes, startled by the question.

"I know you switch, but you never did with H., did you? You always bottomed for him. And I know Jasper doesn't top. So was that it?"

"That would be a bloody awful reason to cheat, wouldn't it?" I asked bitterly, disappointed that he could think so little of me. "If I just needed someone to fuck me, I wouldn't have had to wait for H."

"So that wasn't it?" Greg looked at me searchingly.

"No. I mean, it would have been great if Jasper switched, but we talked about it and I knew he wasn't interested in that soon after we started seeing each other. And I was fine with that. I don't know how to explain it, Greg. I know I made fun of you before, but when I'm with H. it is a little like I'm under a spell. I try to think rationally, but everything becomes fuzzy. There's a connection between us that I can't explain, because it makes no sense to me, much less anyone else. It's like we're bound together."

He shook his head. "You need to find a way to break that bond, mate. He's like an anchor pulling you under, drowning you. He's only thinking of himself, always has. You need to do the same. You can't change what happened this time, but don't go back to him, Rick. It's wrong for you and wrong for Ginny and this child she's carrying. You can live without him. You've demonstrated that every time you've been apart. You just need to be firm and say no the next time he calls or comes around."

I nodded, knowing he was right, and knowing too that it was a lot easier for him to say than it would be for me to do. "I'll try," was the best I could promise.

I felt better after my talk with Greg, well enough to get a good night's sleep and return to work the following day. I accepted my co-workers' sympathies on the food poisoning I made up to cover my absence, and otherwise hid behind the closed doors of my office, catching up on the backlog of e-mails and projects. When my phone rang, I didn't even think before picking up the receiver, certain it would be yet another inquiry about an analysis delayed by my "illness."

"Hello, Rick," his voice, while quiet, was unmistakable. "Are you feeling better?"

"I am, much, thanks," I launched into my standard response before I had a chance to think. Then, realizing the surprising nature of the call, I became suspicious. "How do you know I haven't been well, H.?"

"You weren't answering your phone yesterday, so I stopped by your office, hoping to see you. The receptionist said you were out ill."

"What? You were here yesterday? Why?"

Silence stretched as he contemplated how to answer a question that he surely should have anticipated.

"I wanted to talk to you about Friday," he finally said. "When you weren't answering your phone, I thought you might be avoiding me. I went by your office hoping you wouldn't refuse to see me in person."

I was stunned. Calling me, as he had been doing all of last week and this week, was out of character enough. For him to actually come by my work place, where someone might recognize him, was unprecedented.

"You could have called me at home," I pointed out. "You know my mobile number."

"I didn't know if he ever answered your phone."

My heart clenched at his mention of Jasper. We never had a hard and fast rule about phones. Practically speaking, either one of us could have answered the other's phone if the other wasn't around to do so himself, but neither one of us ever did. And now neither of us ever would. The realization prompted a surge of bitterness.

"It doesn't matter now. What did you want to talk about? Don't worry. I have no intention of telling your wife what happened, nor will I bother you now or try to keep in touch. I understand we made a mistake, but there's no need to dwell on it. We can just forget about it and go on as if nothing happened."

There was another long silence and I would have wondered if he had severed the connection, except I never heard a dial tone.

"If that's what you want," he finally said, speaking so softly I could hardly hear him. My breath caught and I sat very still, the weight of the conversation suddenly overwhelming.

"I wasn't aware I had a choice," I told him.

"I can't pretend it didn't happen. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, about you, since you walked out of that room Friday afternoon. It was so good to be with you. I can't stand thinking it was the last time for us."

"What are you telling me, H.? You're gonna divorce Ginny and come out? You're finally ready to be with me, publicly and officially?" I held my breath again, hoping against hope, even though I knew an affirmative answer would have been the equivalent of riding a unicorn to the end of the rainbow to accept a pot of gold from a smiling leprechaun. Not surprisingly, neither happened.

"I can't do that, Rick. I just can't. You know that. But I can't live without you either."

"You can live without me, H. You have lived without me since before your wedding. You made your choice. You can't have her and me both."

"Is it him? Are you worried about how hurt he'll be if you leave him?" H. asked, sounding desperate and slightly manic. "I understand, Rick. I always loved how compassionate you are. I won't lie to you, I hate the thought of you with another man. He'll never love you the way I do, and he'll never make you feel the things I make you feel. But you don't even have to make a choice. You can stay with him like I'll stay with Ginny, and we can get together from time to time, maybe once a week. Neither of them has to know," he urged.

For a moment I was too stunned by his suggestion to respond. Then slowly, as if someone else was guiding my hand, I placed the receiver in its cradle.