Chapter 9

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Chapter 9: Mistakes

Afterwards I wished we had taken more time to savour the moment, to be more aware of each other and the things around us, to take the time to record memories, at least in our minds. But in that moment, the moment when his lips crashed against mine, need and desire overcame all logic and reason. As a result, it was all a blur of various body parts rubbing against each other and frantic attempts to untangle ourselves from the binds of our clothes while stumbling into the bedroom and falling onto the bed. There was heat and friction; sweat and saliva; smooth skin and taut muscles; whimpering and groaning. Amid the frenzied chaos of desire, only one moment stood out clearly, like a lighthouse beacon in a storm. We were on the bed, both naked, laying head to foot with mouths full of each other's cocks, when Kinkaid suddenly pulled off. At first I didn't even notice, intent on sucking down as much of his thick dick as I could, but then he tugged sharply on my hair and I realized that he wanted my attention. It took a moment to focus, but then I looked at him expectantly.

"Are you a top or a bottom?" he asked. I stared at him blankly, wondering why he would waste our time asking, then realizing that we'd never talked about anything remotely sexual and he had no idea.

"Either is fine," I told him impatiently. "Whatever your preference."

I didn't wait for him to comment or come up with another question, my lips immediately seeking out his cock again. He resumed as well, and everything was once more a blur. Later I vaguely recalled another question about condoms, but I had no idea whether I spoke or pointed or grunted in response. My subsequent examination of the contents of the bin informed me that he did use a condom from my stash. The bottle on the bedside table and lack of any significant soreness the following morning were good evidence that he'd also used the lube. Beyond that, I remembered little other than my lips pressing against his, moaning incoherently as he filled me with smooth, long thrusts, and coming hard, so hard I may have passed out or immediately fallen asleep.

The next day, as usual, I woke up first. His body was spooned up behind me, his arm encircling my chest, holding me close, his breath warm on the back of my neck. He was taller than me and had more muscles and bulk, so lying in his embrace I felt cocooned in warmth and security. It was exactly what I needed.

He stirred a few minutes later, his hold on me tightening momentarily as his consciousness returned, then loosening again for my comfort. I moved my arm to rub the forearm that cuffed my chest, letting him know I was awake as well.

"Good morning," I said when his only response to my movement was a barely audible sigh. I twisted my shoulders, neck and head so I could get a glimpse of him. "I'm really glad you stayed. Sorry I was so out of it last night. Guess you fucked me stupid."

He chuckled, then sighed again. "I'm glad I stayed too. It feels good to wake up next to you, with you in my arms."

He lifted his head and kissed me before I turned back to my original position and relaxed into his body.

"Did you sleep okay?" I asked, searching for something to talk about.

"Like a baby. You wore me out. I'm not as young as you are, you know. My stamina is not quite what it was."

"From what I can remember, your stamina was just fine. I'm the one who passed the fuck out as soon as I was done. I swear I'm not usually like that. It was just..."

"It's okay," he stroked my chest soothingly. "It was flattering. You had this beatific smile on your face as you lay there all splattered with your own cum."

"Oh, God," I groaned, then tried to look down at myself for evidence of the debauchery.

"I cleaned you up before I went to sleep," he explained.

"Oh, God," I groaned again, realizing how much he'd done for me. "I'm really fucking sorry, Kaid."

"Stop!" he ordered. "I already told you, it's okay. I enjoyed it taking care of you. But who's Kaid?" he teased. I twisted to look back at him again.

"That just came out, but I kind of like it. If you can use my full name when no one else can, I should be able to shorten yours. It's only fair! Do you mind terribly? I'll stop if you do."

He thought about it for a moment. "No, I don't mind. In fact, I rather like it."

I continued to twist until I flipped over to my other side to lay facing him, looking straight into his eyes. "Good, because I like it too. Kaid and Cedric has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?"

"Aye, Cedric," he concurred. "That it does."

I had hoped we'd be able to have a nice leisurely morning, eating breakfast and reading the Sunday paper, but Kinkaid had a busy day that had already been thrown off by him staying at my place overnight.

"I'm sorry, Cedric," he told me as we stood in the hallway, saying our goodbyes. "I had no way of knowing this would happen. In the future I'll make accommodations, schedule things differently. But today..."

"It's okay, I understand," I said, pressing myself tightly against his chest to absorb as much of his warmth and scent as I could before he had to go. I hoped I didn't seem too infatuated, but his tight grip on me told me he didn't mind. "Maybe you'll call me later, when you have a few minutes?"

He considered. "I have calls with Australia and Asia this evening," he finally said. "But I will try to phone you when I'm done, provided it's not too late."

"Call when you're done, regardless of the hour," I urged. "We won't have to talk long. We'll just say good night." Again, I worried about sounding too clingy, but apparently not enough to overcome my need to hear his voice later.

"All right, I will. Now give me a kiss, and then I have to go." We exchanged a soft, sweet kiss. Then he placed his lips briefly against my forehead and reached for the door. A minute later I was alone in the apartment, my arms wrapped around me, still savouring his leftover warmth.

I didn't get anything done that Sunday, didn't even leave the flat, preferring to stay in and try to make sense of my jumbled thoughts and feelings. We certainly didn't have any time to talk after he came back the previous night and while we spoke a little in the morning, most of the time was taken up with him showering and getting ready to leave. He had a busy schedule to keep and I didn't want to get off on the wrong foot by being too demanding, especially when I had no real right to be. The result of all this accommodation, however, was that I had no idea where we stood. From the brief conversation we had before he left, I gathered this had been more than a one night stand, and that he was interested in exploring the possibility of a relationship, but I knew nothing beyond that.

I spent a good part of the day thinking about what I wanted, so that I could articulate it coherently the next time he and I had a chance to talk. Ultimately, I realized that there was no need for anything drastic. We'd had sex, but everything else between us was still the same and probably should stay that way. I didn't want to be a disruption or distraction in his life. I figured there was no quicker way to alienate him than to suddenly expect him to make a great deal of changes for me, before we even figured out if we had feelings for each other beyond friendship and lust.

By the time he called that night I was relaxed and at peace with my decision to let him take the lead and trust him to do what was right for the both of us. Kinkaid didn't disappoint. We didn't talk specifically about things going forward that night, but did the next time we got together in the middle of the week.

"Owning my own international company makes it difficult to fit new interests and relationships into my life," he explained over drinks at the restaurant where we met for a late mid-week dinner. "Too often my time is not my own. I have conferences at strange hours, and I travel a lot. I know that will be a challenge for us. It always has been. That's why..."

"It's fine," I broke in before he could articulate a litany of reasons why it didn't make sense for us to try a relationship, which is where I was afraid he was headed. "I understand all that and it's not a problem. I know you can't give me 24-7 access and I'm not someone who needs that. I'm sure there will be time when I'll have conflicts we have to work around too."

"Good," he looked relieved. "Because I won't be able to make any significant changes in my schedule right now. I was already spending all my available free time with you."

I realized this meant that we wouldn't be able to see each other more than once or twice a week, and that regular overnight stays wouldn't necessarily be a given. I couldn't help being a little disappointed, but there were trade-offs in every relationship. He said he couldn't make significant changes right now, which implied that he might be able to make smaller changes now and perhaps bigger ones down the road. It wasn't as much as I might have liked, but it was something, enough to start.

"Of course I understand that you're young and you have different needs at this stage of your life, so if you want to see other men..."

"No," I interrupted him again. "I don't want to do that. I most definitely don't need to do that. I have friends I see regularly and I can find other things to do while you're busy. Honestly, I'm not a child. I neither need nor expect constant amusement," I was slightly offended at his implication.

"I certainly didn't mean to imply that you were a child," Kinkaid said contritely. "I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that a man your age has needs that a man my age, especially one with my time limitations, may not be able to satisfy."

I relented as soon as I heard his apology, reaching over to grab his hand. "You satisfied my needs quite well Saturday night," I told him. I made sure to look directly into his eyes as I continued, "I'm not one of the guys who are out at the clubs tricking every night. I'd much rather wait for someone I care about."

He looked at me for a few beats without answering, then nodded curtly. "Thank you. That means a lot," he said simply and we let the subject drop.

Our lives flowed mostly as they had before. Kinkaid had not been exaggerating, and he remained as busy with his work as ever, which limited our time together. We still frequented bars and restaurants, but we rarely lingered, often retiring to my flat when we finished eating or after a couple of beers or cocktails. On occasion we stayed at his flat as well, though he seemed less comfortable with us there, probably concerned with being ambushed by reporters.

I introduced him to the guys, and they did their best to be welcoming. Greg was mostly supportive, though he confessed to me privately had concerns about the age difference and Kinkaid's reluctance to make our relationship public. Dré was obviously threatened by Kinkaid, not just because he'd finally found someone he couldn't impress, but also because Kinkaid was a cousin of Sir Neil MacGregor, Director of The British Museum and Dré's ultimate boss. Someone else under similar circumstances might have tried to kiss Kinkaid's arse, but Dré was never very good at kissing anyone's arse but Vince's. He, therefore, remained his usual aloof self, even though those of us who knew him saw that he was far more nervous than usual. With Kinkaid and Dré not hitting it off, Vince remained distant as well, overprotective of his man as always. Viktor was fine with Kinkaid, who threw around football names and statistics as though he played professionally himself, but it was clear that he hadn't forgiven me completely for what happened with Jasper, which added an undercurrent of tension to our gatherings.

"What happened between you and Viktor? Is it just that you and Greg are such close friends, or is there a history?" Kinkaid asked me one night on the way back to my flat from Molly's.

"There is a history, but all that was over long before Viktor came on the scene. Viktor should be very secure in Greg's love for him and Helena. The attitude stems from what happened more recently between me and a mutual friend. I behaved badly, and Viktor doesn't seem inclined to forgive me."

Kinkaid arched his brow, but said nothing. "Thanks," I said gratefully, stepping closer to his side and leaning my head on his shoulder even as we walked. "I'll tell you some day," I vowed.

"Whenever you're ready," he agreed. "Just know that you can tell me anything, and that I won't hold your past mistakes against you. None of us, I least of all, have spotless pasts or are in any position to cast stones."

He wasn't supposed to stay with me that night and I didn't ask him to, but it was as if he sensed that I needed him there. After having what should have been a last drink at my flat he announced he was too tired to go home, and I spent the night in his strong, protective arms. Knowing that he was willing to do that for me, without having to be asked, totally made up for the fact that he woke me up at an ungodly hour the next morning, getting ready to go back to his place to change and start his day. "You should leave a few changes of clothes here for times like this," I mumbled, barely coherent. "Then you could go to work directly from here."

He leaned over me and kissed me tenderly, disregarding my protests about my morning breath. "I didn't want to presume," he whispered in my ear. "But now you asked, I will seriously consider it."

A few days later several parcels arrived at my flat from up-scale stores and tailor shops. I smiled when I saw them, wondering if Kinkaid deliberately didn't tell me about them to surprise me, or if he merely got wrapped up with other things and forgot. The smile never left my lips as I took the clothes into the bedroom and distributed them into the spaces I'd never filled after Jasper moved out. When I was done I stood back and looked at the closet, my heart nearly bursting with excitement.

Kinkaid traveled on business often. Frequently they were overnight trips within Europe, but on occasion he needed to go to Asia or the Americas. I tolerated his absences as well as I could, not the least because I'd assured him I would be able to handle them, and I didn't want to turn into a liar. He came back from one trip to Asia particularly exhausted and agitated. During our first dinner together after his return he was more depressed than I'd ever seen him. I asked if business had gone badly, but he shook his head and snapped that everything was fine.

"Half of our Sydney office was there too, so the client was suitably impressed," he said bitterly. It seemed inadvisable to ask why that didn't seem to be a good thing.

"Is there an issue with your Australia office?" I asked carefully instead, because that seemed to have sparked at least some of his resentful tone. He looked up at me sharply, searchingly, as if expecting to find some revelation in my face. I held still, like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing what he was looking for or what a safe reaction would be. Then, just as suddenly he put his hand up to his face and rubbed it over his eyes and forehead in a circular motion before placing it back on the table and looking back into my eyes.

"Remember the other day when you didn't want to talk about what caused your fallout with Viktor?" he asked. I nodded and instantly understood his request.

"We'll talk about it when you're ready," I stated with a nod.

"Thank you, Cedric," his genuine gratitude rang in his voice.

That night he made love to me so tenderly it would have been frustrating, had I not sensed this was something he very much needed. I was surprised when he came without waiting for me, but said nothing, enjoying his weight settling over me even as I felt him pulsing inside me. I figured he would take care of me when he recovered, but I was wrong. When his breathing returned to normal he lifted himself up a bit, kissed me passionately, and then asked me to make love to him.

I was startled. In the time we'd been together we'd discussed sex and he knew I was equally comfortable in either role, but I also knew he'd never bottomed for anyone. "Kaid, are you sure?" I asked softly, a bit overwhelmed.

"I am sure. I've never wanted to before, but I very much do now, with you. Please," as he spoke he shifted off me and lay down next to me.

I didn't make him ask twice. I wasn't really worried, because I was a skilled top and I knew I could make him feel good, but I wanted this to be more than just good for him. I needed him to feel how much it meant to me that he wanted his first time reversing roles to be with me.

"Do you want to be on top or bottom?" I asked him gently as I reached for the lube and condoms that were still lying on the bed from when he used them earlier.

"I told you, I want you..." I silenced him with a kiss. I didn't want him to get stressed or agitated.

"You could be on top riding me," I pointed out when we fell apart, our breathing hot and ragged. His eyes opened wider in realization and surprise. He clearly had not considered this possibility, even though we had utilized the position just a few days ago. After a moment's thought, he shook his head.

"I can't see that working. In my head, I always see you on top," he said gruffly, his accent thickening to match his cock. I felt heat spread through me with the realization that this wasn't just a spur of the moment decision. I became slightly intimidated at his admission, wondering if I could live up to the fantasy. Some of my concern must have shown, because he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me down for another intense kiss, deliberately opening his mouth to me in invitation. I plunged my tongue inside, exploring and tasting fading flavours of the prawn risotto he had for dinner, the scotch he drank after dinner, and the precum he sampled no more than 30 minutes before as he sucked my cock while stretching me with his strong, long fingers. The memory of him inside me made me shudder above him with a ghost of postponed orgasm.

I was just about as turned on as I could possibly be, and dizzy with the enormity of Kinkaid's request. I wasn't a novice, but neither had I ever topped a man who was so decisively a top himself. I felt his struggle to give up control and turn his body over to me for safekeeping, and I knew it was a testament to his feeling for me that we were in this position by his request. I instantly resolved to bury my insecurities and lead him through the experience, and to make him feel exactly the way he'd made me feel every time he took me, or even better, if I could.

It wasn't easy for Kinkaid to relax, but he was trying. Eventually my whispered words and gentle touches worked their magic and his tension melted away. I prepared him thoroughly, so that by the time I was satisfied with my work he was not just ready for me, but eager too. Still, I could see in his face, hear in the catch of his breath, and feel in the way he tightened around me that the initial penetration was difficult for him. I kissed him heatedly to distract him as I waited for him to adjust, and eventually he relaxed again. Easing his trepidation fed my confidence, and I began to move, slowly at first, carefully watching his reactions, and then faster as I saw in his face that he was starting to experience the rapture that is being loved by another man from the inside out. Having both topped and bottomed before, I had the advantage of knowing what he was going through and how to make it feel as good for him as possible. I changed the angle slightly, almost imperceptibly, with every thrust, until it was clear that I had found his pleasure trigger. For the first time I allowed myself to close my eyes and focus solely on the steady rhythm of my pumping hips, and the sensation of my cock sliding back and forth within that oh-so-tight tunnel over the tiny oval gland that I knew was driving him closer to his release with every pass.

"Oh, God, it feels so good, Cedric," he grunted softly, spreading his solid thighs further apart and lifting his butt to open himself up even more. His enthusiasm forced me to open my eyes and re-adjust angles, until I was hitting his prostate again. I could feel his cock, hot, throbbing and leaking beneath my belly as I plunged in and out of his arse.

"I'm glad it feels good, Kaid," I rasped into his ear, my voice hoarse with lust and exertion. "I want this to be the best fuck of your life."

I dropped down to support myself just on my left elbow as I slipped my hand between us to take hold of his cock, slicking my hand on the precum dripping from his head. I slowed down the pace a little and began to stroke him to match.

"You're so tight, Kaid. You feel so fucking good all around me. Do you like the way I feel inside you? The way I fill you up?"

"Aye, Cedric. Christ, I never knew..." he huffed instead of finishing his sentence, and his cock hardened in my hand. Knowing exactly what was happening, I impaled him with a well-aimed hard thrust. His eyes opened wide. His breath arrested, then was expelled with a single primal cry and the manhood in my hand began to pulse, coating us both with warm, creamy jizz. Simultaneously the muscles of Kinkaid's arse involuntarily clamped even tighter around my dick and I was done for, flooding the condom with my own cum even as I continued to thrust to prolong our mutual pleasure. Eventually I collapsed on top of him, both of us huffing heavily. When I tried to lift off him, mumbling that my weight was interfering with his breathing, he wrapped his strong arms and legs around me and held me close, immobile. My spent and now only half-hard penis was still inside him, while his already softened one was trapped between us. We didn't speak. We didn't have to. Body language was enough.

We stayed like that for as long as was practical, but as I started to soften completely I knew it was time to take care of things before they got messy. Kinkaid released me and I disposed of the condom, washed up in the bathroom, and brought out a towel so he could clean up as well. I helped him towel off and dry his skin, and then snuggled into his side, pulling a sheet over our cooling bodies. He turned his head towards me and kissed my forehead. I looked up into his eyes and the amount of emotion I saw there almost scared me.

"Thank you," he spoke quietly but gruffly. "I've never been able to trust anyone enough to do that before. I never thought I would trust anyone enough. But you are different than everyone I've ever been with. You're so selfless, Cedric."

I closed my eyes. His words should have made me feel good, but instead a fierce pain invaded my chest. He thought I was selfless, but that was only because I'd kept the selfish parts of me from him. If he knew what happened with Jasper, he wouldn't think I was selfless at all.

"And you were amazing. You took such good care of me. It was indescribable. Had I known, had I believed those who have told me how good that could feel, I might have tried it much sooner. But I'm glad I waited, too. I'm glad you were the one. And I don't want this to be our first and last time."

I tried to keep my face buried into his side so that he wouldn't see the grimace that spread over it as he spoke to me tenderly, stroking the top of my arm, my shoulder and the back of my neck. I couldn't help it, I kept picturing what his face would look like when I told him how I ruined my last relationship by being unfaithful to my lover. I wasn't sure I could handle his disappointment, and that was the best I could expect.

Kinkaid's hand made its way to my chin, and he pulled on it, forcing me to look up at him again. I composed myself and waited for him to speak, terrified of what he might say.

"I'm not a bottom, Cedric, but I want to bottom with you again. I loved how you made me feel so...cherished. That was a first for me, and although this isn't, because I'd be lying if I claimed I'd never said this to any other man, I'm not lying when I tell you I never meant it more than I do now. I lo..."

I grabbed his head and pulled him into a furiously passionate kiss, stifling his words. It was irrational, but if he never said them, if I never heard him actually say them, it would be easier to let him go. Startled, Kinkaid did nothing for a moment, then pulled back, his eyes filled with confusion and hurt. I knew I couldn't stall any longer. I had to explain.

"I want to tell you why Viktor is angry with me," I blurted out. "You need to know, before you say or do something you might later regret."

"Cedric, nothing you tell me could possibly change things so much that I would regret..."

"Just hear me out, please. I wasn't ready to tell you when you asked me about it, but I need to tell you now."

"Okay," he nodded. "I'm listening."

"It all goes back to where we were just boys in boarding school. Greg and I met and we had an instant connection. We became best mates. And then, one day, we were studying and one of us dropped something, I don't even remember what. We both reached for it and our faces came close, and we kissed. It felt good, right, so we found a place where we could be alone without being found and started fooling around. It was, as you can imagine, somewhat awkward. Neither one of us had any idea what we were doing. But we were each other's firsts. Not quite boyfriends. Well, at least I never thought of us that way, though I later discovered it was different for Greg."

I pulled away from him and lay on my back, folding my arms behind my head to cushion it as I stared at the ceiling. I'd never quite laid out my story like this before, for anyone. To my own ears it sounded quite ugly.

"Somehow we found out that Vince and Dré were like us, and the four of us started hanging out together. And then I met H. and I fell in love. Greg never said a thing. H. was with us often, but he also made sure to spend a lot of time with other people. He knew right from the start he would never be open about how he felt about me. It took me so much longer to figure it out. I thought he just needed time. We all needed time - none of us came out officially while still at the school. I really believed that once we graduated and went to uni, it would be different."

"But it wasn't." Kinkaid supplied, obviously understanding. I sighed. This part of the story was becoming too routine. I'd shared it so many times it was almost as if I was relating a story that happened to someone else.

"No, H. had convinced himself that he could not be open about his sexuality. We broke up over it and got back together countless times. It was a constant source of friction. And Greg stood by me the entire time, hoping I'd wake up and notice him again."

"But you never did," Kinkaid filled in.

"No. Not even when Greg brought this hot American with him to Molly's one night when H. and I were on a particularly extended break, apparently to try to make me see him differently, as more than a mate. Only the American, Jasper, didn't know the plan, and I hooked up with him instead."

"Ouch," Kinkaid grimaced. "How is it that you and Greg are still such close mates?"

"I don't know. Greg's a fucking saint," I closed my eyes, reflecting on just how lucky I was. "H. showed up at the club that night but left when he saw me with Jasper. I followed him, leaving Jasper and Greg to talk. Jasper advised Greg to consider other men, and Greg must have listened, because shortly thereafter he met Viktor and the two of them became an item."

"So is Viktor angry with you because you once rejected his partner?"

"No," I shook my head. "I don't even know how much of all that he knows about. Knowing Greg, he probably did share every detail, but it's all water under the bridge now. It has been for a long time."

"Okay," Kinkaid said expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

"You must be wondering why I'm telling you all this, but it is sort of relevant. Or at least it gives you the context. Or maybe it's just my convoluted way to try to excuse what I did," I snorted in disgust.

"Don't editorialize, just tell me what happened," Kinkaid's voice was clipped, successfully snapping me out of my bout of self-pity and getting me back on task.

"H. and I went through another make-up, break-up cycle. That's how I ended up going to New York with the guys and hooking up with Jasper again. It was casual for both of us. We were both trying to forget other guys. When I returned to London, it took a little longer, but eventually H. and I reunited. Still, nothing had changed. Well, that's not exactly true. He began seeing someone behind my back."

Kinkaid sucked in his breath sharply.

"Yeah, I felt sucker punched when he told me. Never suspected a damned thing. Worse thing was, it was a woman, and he didn't tell me until the day they announced their engagement."

"Oh, shit, Cedric," Kinkaid said , his voice dripping with compassion. "I'm so sorry. What did you do?"

"I limped away like a kicked dog. The only shred of self-respect I had left was wrapped around the fact that I did leave. That I took a stand. But for a long time I just sat around my flat, pissed and feeling sorry for myself. And then Jasper came to London for an internship," I chanced a glance at Kinkaid and saw his eyes fill with understanding. He could probably guess the rest, but I felt compelled to spell everything out.

"As always, Jasper and I were attracted to each other. Except this time we took a stab at a relationship. He moved in with me and it was sort of seamless. He was so open - it was refreshing. For the first time I was with someone who had no qualms about being seen with me. Someone who was, in fact, proud and happy to be seen with me. I asked him to stay in England after his internship was over and he agreed. Everything was going great. Until one night we saw H. in the lobby of a theatre."

Kinkaid let out a sigh that sounded sympathetic. I chose to believe it was.

"It didn't mean anything to me, but then he called and asked me to meet him. And like a fool I did. And like an ever bigger fool I let him fuck me."

"Oh, Cedric," he said quietly.

"I told Jasper immediately. I couldn't lie to him. I guess I hoped that the honesty would be enough, but it wasn't. He left me. And Viktor is angry not just because Jasper is his friend, but also because the last guy he was with cheated on him."

"Ah," Kinkaid nodded with recognition. "Now it makes sense."

I looked away and waited for the condemnation. I knew Kinkaid was too measured for outrage, but I was getting used to the consequences that typically followed one of my confessions. No one wanted to be with a cheater. I bit my lower lip just shy of breaking skin, willing myself not to cry before he left the flat, as I was sure he was about to do.

"So now you know," I finally said, when I didn't hear any reaction. Disconcerted by his failure to say or do anything at all, I chanced a quick look in his direction, only to find him looking at me with patience and compassion.

"Yes, now I know. And I want to thank you for telling me. I can see how painful it was for you, and you were certainly under no obligation to share any of that." He lifted his hand to my face in a gentle caress.

"You're not angry?" my voice betrayed my uncertainty.

"Why should I be angry?" his query was gentle and genuine.

"Because I didn't tell you right from the start that I'm a cheater," I blurted, aware that it sounded very childlike.

"You're not a cheater," he said calmly. "You cheated, yes. You made a mistake. But that single mistake doesn't define who you are. It only makes you human."

I stared at him, incredulous. It was hard to believe that after all the agony I went through trying to decide when and how to tell him, and the anxiety I'd felt in anticipation of his reaction, this was going to be the final outcome.

"You don't care? You don't find the fact that I cheated repulsive?"

Kinkaid sighed and reached for me, gathering me into his arms and holding me close. "It would take so much more than something like this to change the way I feel about you. We all make mistakes, Cedric. It's how we learn. I can see that this has been eating you up, and I'm sure the fact that Viktor hasn't been able to forgive you hasn't helped, but it's time to forgive yourself. You knew what you did was wrong and you didn't hide it, and then you accepted the consequences. Have you been with H. since then?"

I shook my head. "Not for his lack of trying," I added bitterly. "I couldn't believe it, but the following week he called me, suggesting that we both continue the affair, cheating on his wife and Jasper. I categorically refused. Even though by that point I no longer had anyone in my life to cheat on, the fact that he would believe me capable of doing something so underhanded to the man I was with, without any qualms, was so offensive. I hung up and haven't seen or spoken with him since."

"So you have learned from your mistake. That's all anyone can ask. I've made mistakes too, Cedric. There are things I haven't told you. Things you may well find repulsive. Things that I've been afraid to tell you out of fear that hearing them might make you see me differently and make you want to leave me. I'm terrified of that more than ever now, because I have feelings for you. Very strong feelings. Feelings that I wish you would allow me to share."

"You can tell me anything, any time," I reassured him, making sure I captured his eyes with mine.

"And if I needed to wait?"

"That's fine," I told him. "You waited until I was ready, and I can wait too." Curiosity was killing me, but I was resolved to give him as much time to ready his confession as he had given me.

"There is one thing I do want to share with you tonight," he said solemnly. "I love you, Cedric Diggory."

I stared, unable to respond. The moment felt surreal. I'd known he had nearly said it before I told him everything, but I never expected he would still want to after he heard me out.

"Even after everything you heard?" I asked, seeking confirmation.

"Especially after everything I heard. You learn a lot about a man by how he handles his mistakes, and everything I learned about you tonight makes me love you more."

"I..." I felt overwhelmed, words dying in my throat. I cleared it, and tried again. "I'm not sure what to say. I wasn't prepared for you to feel this way after you knew..."

"Has telling me changed things for you?" he asked, furrowing his brow slightly. My own brow creased as well while I considered his question. His easy acceptance of my mistake was disconcerting, since I'd expected the exact opposite, and yet if everyone reacted the way I expected, I would never be able to have a lasting relationship again. I was being stupid. There was no reason to hold back. And yet...

Maybe it was because he'd been the subject of the night's conversation, but my mind flashed to H. and the first time we declared our mutual love. It wasn't planned or rehearsed. Up until the moment before I said it, I wasn't even sure what my feelings were, and he later told me that he hadn't been either. It wasn't even a particularly romantic moment. It was after curfew and we had snuck into one of the chemistry labs with a key we pilfered from one of the groundskeepers. We lay on the floor behind one of the stations all the way in the back, furthest away from the see-through door, and rutted like the couple of horny teenagers we were. We hadn't advanced beyond hand jobs and blow jobs yet, and that night we had our pants open, the elastic of our briefs tucked beneath our balls, kissing and grinding madly as I double jerked us to a near simultaneous orgasm. Panting hard in the aftermath, my eyes wandered to the window, where through the rain-spotted glass I saw what I thought was a shooting star, but what could just as easily have been a passing airplane. The nature of the phenomenon was irrelevant, though. What mattered was that it sparked an epiphany. It was a moment that crystallized my feelings for H. and forced them to bubble to the surface. Unable to keep the secret for even a second, I turned my head towards his and said "I love you," hearing the same words, spoken at the exact same moment in his voice. We were momentarily stunned, then began to giggle, and then immediately shut up out of fear of being discovered. We kissed madly instead, and for the rest of that night alternated between kissing and whispering those three words, over and over again. If only things could be so simple in adulthood. If only the words didn't carry so much more weight and meaning.

I could not comprehend my reluctance. If Kinkaid, the man so naturally reserved and cautious, could share his feelings with me, I should have been able to easily do the same. I'd told Jasper I loved him without any hesitation, though granted, I did feel better about myself then, more deserving of love, and therefore better able to share mine. But Kinkaid hadn't cared about my mistake. He learned everything and told me he loved me nevertheless. I couldn't just let him do that and then make him wait, open and vulnerable, until I straightened out my head.

"No, Kaid. Telling you hasn't changed anything for me," I finally said, firmly and with conviction. "I've had strong feelings for you almost from the very beginning, and they've only grown over time. I love you too, Kaid. I love you too."

There were no drastic differences following that night, but I hadn't really expected any. It wasn't as though Kinkaid could somehow find extra time in his days or evenings. And while we had declared our feelings, I knew he certainly wasn't going to move in with me and I wasn't quite ready to give up my flat to move in with him even if he had asked me to, which he hadn't.

But while outwardly everything was the same as before, when we were together things were more intimate. Every conversation and every touch took on a deeper meaning. We were no longer just two men getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. Instead we were on a journey, moving towards a common future. It was understood that we had a way to go, but we were traveling together and growing closer in the process.

The one place we were not traveling together was on Kinkaid's business. As before, he left for his trips alone. I understood, but missed him more than ever during his absences. Even though we tried to minimize the impact by calling and texting, it was often difficult to find a time when we were both available for any sort of a truly meaningful communication. Things were especially bad when Kinkaid had to go to Australia for the opening of his company's new offices in Melbourne. He told me before he even left that during his travels to Sydney and Melbourne he would be in and out of client meetings and events the entire time, and that he would call me when he could, but asked me to keep my calls to a minimum. He kept his promise, but the calls were never long or as intimate as I'd been used to. For whatever reason, the distance between us seemed more than geographical, and it started to make me uncomfortable. It didn't help that I could hear the stress and tension in Kinkaid's voice the few times we did talk, but that he absolutely refused to talk about what was causing it, telling me only that he'd tell me everything when he got home.

I didn't want to be one of those guys who panics unnecessarily, but something felt very off. Still, I kept my observations to myself, not even sharing them with Greg during our several lunches together. I could tell he knew something was wrong, but he didn't pry and I didn't volunteer, determined to give Kinkaid a chance to explain in person before my speculation potentially blew things out of proportion.

Unfortunately, that became impossible when one morning Dré called while I was on my way to work.

"Are you completely insane?" he screeched so loudly I had to pull the phone away from my ear.

"Good morning to you too, Dré," I said caustically. "As far as I know, my sanity is not in question."

"Just goes to show how little you know," Dré's voice, though lowered in volume, dripped with sarcasm.

"Dré, as much as I'm enjoying this pleasant little chat, do me a favor and cut to the chase."

"I guess I'm just wondering if you really, honestly expect that you'll be able to keep Greg as a close friend and continue to hang out with all of us if you keep pulling this kind of shit over and over again."

"Dré, I have no idea what you're talking about," I said angrily. "Quit talking in riddles and just say what you mean."

"Fine, I will. Do you not realize that as strongly as Viktor feels about infidelity, and fuck knows he can barely shut up on the subject, he won't mind that his husband continues to spend time with an ex who has demonstrated time and time again that he has no qualms about cheating and hooking up with cheaters?"

An icy shiver ran down my spine and I stopped walking abruptly.

"Dré, for the last Goddamn time, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Please, did you honestly think you could keep it a secret? His partner may be in Australia at the moment, but Kinkaid is a well-known figure and it's not like the UK press won't publish news just because it happens on another continent. And while Viktor may not read the business pages, I'm sure he'll hear about this. Everyone in London will be talking about it today."

The phone felt heavy in my hand. I didn't even hear most of what he said. The words "partner" and "Australia" echoed in my ears. I terminated the call without a word and looked up, disoriented, trying to get my bearings. I felt as though I'd just been run over by a truck. It was no use going to work. I slowly turned and began heading back home. My phone rang, but when I saw it was Dré again I pressed the button to send the call straight through voice mail. Less than a minute later the phone rang again, this time glowing with Greg's number. Unable to talk to him, I sent his call to voice mail as well and turned off the phone altogether. Numbly, I retraced my way back to my flat, settled on the living room sofa and unfolded the copy of the Times I'd purchased before Dré called. My heart stopped when I saw the picture next to an article about MacGregor Consulting. It was small, but I didn't need to read the "Kinkaid MacGregor and his partner celebrate the opening of MacGregor Consulting's new Melbourne office" caption to know what the picture depicted. Kinkaid and his partner were celebrating all right, and sealing the celebration with an intimate kiss.